How To Give Tough Feedback Without Making People Hate You
Let’s be honest: giving someone tough feedback is never fun. You’ll never confuse the experience with, say, a day at the U.S. Open, right?
I often get brought in to coach leaders who struggle with these situations. So often the fear of hurting someone’s feelings results in the boss giving gentle and ambiguous feedback which never changes a team member’s behavior.
Or vice versa (with feedback that is too harsh)! And the cycle continues…
A few months ago, I was hired to coach an important member of the Executive Leadership Team who was inadvertently responsible for 5 (!!!) junior professionals leaving the firm. In their exit interviews, each associate referenced this exec’s “harsh and demeaning” feedback as one of their reasons for leaving. Lawyers were even brought in to investigate whether the pattern could constitute discriminatory behavior.
One associate actually said “I’ve never felt so insulted and disrespected. He doesn’t care about hearing my perspective. It’s 2024 – my skills will be valued elsewhere.”
(Why don’t you tell us how you really feel?! 😆)
Now, if you’re familiar with the math of turnover rates, you know that this exec’s behavior was costing his firm hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Surprisingly, leaders who are too “nice” and indirect with their feedback can have equally negative impact. I’ve even heard it described as “ruinous empathy”!
What happens when leaders are too indirect with their feedback:
Employees don’t have clear direction, so they don’t deliver the desired results.
Nobody understands the expectations around their performance.
Tension rises between the leader and their team members because of the continuous cycle of uncertainty and disappointment.
Ultimately, it deprives the employee of the opportunity to truly develop and improve.
What happens when leaders are too harsh with their feedback:
Reduced team engagement and morale.
High turnover rates (replacing an employee who quits over harsh feedback costs 50% - 200% of that employee’s salary!)
Employees become defensive and block out the feedback. This stunts their growth and development.
Team members operate with fear and frustration and, in turn, they try to avoid interacting with their boss. Performance suffers.
If you’re nodding along and thinking “That’s great Tammy, but what should I say when I’m giving feedback if I want to avoid being too “tough” or too “nice?” - fear not! I have a script for you!
I’ve taught dozens of clients how to resolve these situations so they can become successful and inspiring leaders. The approach works whether you are too subtle or too direct.
A script for giving feedback without making people hate you
I tell my coaching clients that it all starts with identifying some positive behaviors.
Identify 1 - 2 specific things that your employee does really well.
Maybe they’re great at communicating clearly and effectively, clients appreciate their counsel, or they’re great at leading group projects and keeping everyone on schedule.
“I’ve noticed you’re great at __________. That’s really important in our business and it’s important to me. I want you to keep doing that!”
After you front load this interaction with compliments, you’re going to give them feedback on the thing you’d like to see change.
But! You’re going to emphasize that you’re giving them this feedback because you’re invested in their success and you know they’re capable of awesome things.
Identify 1 - 2 specific things that your employee could improve upon. Share these in the vein of helping them become even more effective in their jobs.
Again, these should be specific, with one or two examples, and a clear explanation of how a new approach could produce better results. For example, “You need to be a role model for your junior colleagues by delivering results within tight deadlines, even if it means staying late and/or working on a weekend.”
This is especially tricky in instances where a younger leader wants to have work/life balance AND be considered for rapid promotion. It’s important to help them see that there is a ‘give and take’ before they can grab the brass ring.
“I have an observation to share and it’s in the vein of helping you in your continued career growth. I noticed __________________ (you missed the deadline on that project, there were typos in the pitch, you didn’t speak up in the meeting)
It’s important that you ____________________ (meet deadlines, speak up in client meetings to gain each client’s trust)
Additionally, it’s important that you let me know in advance_______________ (if you’re going to miss the deadline, if you need clarification, etc)
If you adjust your approach you’re going to hit the ball out the park. And I’m going to help you do it! If you’re okay with it, I'll let you know when I notice this happening so you can go about it differently.”
When you ask for their permission to share ongoing feedback, you’re not only creating accountability - they know you’re on the lookout for what impedes their effectiveness - you’re also building trust. You’re getting their buy-in and showing them that you’re invested in their growth and that if you point out a misstep, it’s because they gave you permission to do that, in service of their own growth.
And what do you say when they miss a deadline or an important meeting?
“Here’s one of those instances that we talked about. It’s important that you ________________. Is there anything we can do to make that more likely?”
And if you find yourself in a situation where you’re spontaneously giving feedback and you haven’t memorized these scripts?
When in doubt, give feedback in the way you’d want to receive it.
Few of us want to be yelled at or shamed. And few of us grow from feedback so gentle and indirect we’re either not aware we received it or we don’t know what to do about it!
As Brene Brown says “Clear is kind.”
Is there someone at your company who could use help with this? Could YOU use help with this? Grab a spot on my calendar for a quick call to see if we’d be a good match for executive leadership coaching!